why

 hello God, are you listening?

there are plenty question that I need to ask you. like are you mad at me? or do you hate me? why do I keep loosing my faith on you? I know may be, it's not a hardest problem or I've been overreacting all this time, but I keep telling my self that my problem is valid, sure I got pain from it, I'm suffering a lot. this pandemic also give me uncertainty. I keep suppressing my emotions, so nobody know that I'm not okay. I pretend to be okay. and You know what,  I loose my emotions. Idk how to react anymore. I feel like a time bomb. 

it's unhealthy, I know.

and right now I lost my interest. I can't enjoy things I used to do or like. give me such a strange burden. and the sun that I always look up to didn't shine on me anymore. I feel cold. alone. imagining a thousand "what ifs". 

God, 

what did I do wrong? I wanna know my mistakes. should I die first to know the answer? do I deserve things that happened to me? to feel unloved, unmotivated, and unwanted? too many question, I know. 

why should I be here? why should you give me a depressing episode? I wanna go home and cry, but unfortunately, I couldn't. it felt kindda frustrating. I'm sad, cause I got nowhere to go.

God, in this uncertainty world you given, please lead me the way. where should I go? or what should I do to make things clear? 

if dying means an answer, then let me to.